Indecision IS a decision.

I’m full of ideas. I love the newness of coming up with an idea, buying new notebooks, writing in them, and carrying them around in my bag with the intention of working in them. I’ve started and stopped endless writing projects, business ideas, and research endeavors. As an academic, having ways to keep things interesting for students (and who are we kidding, myself too when I’m teaching & grading 100s of pages), is an absolute must. A lot of ideas color my daily world. As a mom and professional, I’m always looking for different ways to pay for things, engage in things, and keep life interesting. When I am stuck on something, I often brainstorm and use my creativity to find a solution. As women, we are born to create. And all creation of something new starts with creativity. Making decisions about what to do next is an hourly task, if not a momentary task. That is where I get tripped up, the decision part. See, I’m one of those people (and just ask my husband!) who will say, I don’t know, what do you want to do… (or what do you want to have for dinner, etc.) I get totally stuck in indecision. Sometimes it's because I don’t really care, haven’t thought about it, or want the person to pick because I don’t want to be “wrong”. Have you ever done that? I find myself in that loop a lot. I’ll give you some other examples and see if you can relate.

I recently purchased a course on marketing and course creation offered by Amy Porterfield entitled DCA (Digital Course Academy). Now, I’m not a newbie when it comes to creating content for courses, but I love to learn and like to see how others put things together. I’m new to social media, marketing, and at promoting myself. I know I have a lot to offer the world. I’ve given a lot of talks at conferences and even at more personal retreats. I love it and get great feedback. I get anxious like everyone else, but also know it’s what I’m called to do. See, I want others to feel supported, mentally healthy and believe in themselves. The DCA course is great. I’ve met some wonderful people and the material in the course is informative, well organized, and easy to follow. The problem is, even though there are clear directions, I get lost in indecision.

Ha! Easy directions and I get lost in indecision! It seems like it should be so easy to follow and others around me seem to be able to do it! (And that’s part of what happens in my indecision, I start comparing where others are at and ASSUME it should be easy. These coupled together get me feeling insecure and shame which lead to self-doubt. And BAM- indecision creeps in).

For example, the first module is about creating a course. So I did that. I created three courses based on what I have wanted to do for years. The problem that happened is when others started mentioning what they were doing- marketing, social media, growing their lists…I felt, well, defeated and overwhelmed. And then I started clicking (and even purchasing) other programs. One on how to list build, another on how to start a Podcast (something I so want to do), how to monetize blogs, how to hire a VA to help with marketing, a book on creating Facebook groups….And my time got sucked away with indecision on what to do next. I would start something, have several choices presented to me about what to do, and then start on a different task. Seems like every day I changed which direction to go and what deserved my time. Sure, I made little decisions here and there, but I got lost in the small decisions that truly were indecision of an actual direction on one project. It’s funny how I can distract myself by thinking I’m making progress and decisions while really I’m just being indecisive. And this weekend, I crashed. All of the indecision had kept me up at night, waking early, and focusing on too much at once. The feeling of being overwhelmed knocked me on my butt. I needed to put it all away and nap, spend time with kids, and try to not put so much pressure on myself.

So, after my nap, I took my middle son out to shop for some new football cleats (even though he just got a new pair a month ago. The boy grows like a weed). After we got in the car and I asked him where he wanted to go to dinner. He said, I don’t care, you pick. And I said, I don’t care, you pick. And he said…no really, I don’t know, you pick. And we went back and forth until I finally stopped for a moment, took in a breath, and asked myself what I felt like eating. See, I don’t usually check in with myself as much as I should. I defer to others, wanting them to be happy and get what they want. I go toward attaching to them (see last week’s post for my explanation) and not what I authentically want. So, after a moment, I took him to a local diner that makes the best homemade lemon chicken rice soup and he got a whopping-size burger and chocolate shake. Not only did the soup taste great & I got to spend time one on one with my son, but I also was satisfied with deciding for me. I realized (for the millionth time), I need to tune into myself and decide what I want. It’s okay to say out loud what I need, want, and desire. I didn’t have to stay in indecision to make him happy. How else will someone know if I don’t say what I want to them?

What keeps coming back to me is that my indecision is a decision. It’s a decision to let others decide things for me. It’s a decision to put myself second. And each time I stay in that phase of indecision, I’m ignoring my inner feelings, voice, and self. I am choosing indecision. It is my choice to do this.

I’d love to know, where in your life are you choosing indecision instead of decision? Please head over to the Authentic and Brave Facebook community and let’s start a dialogue about it. Maybe we can start making better decisions together.

Authentically & Bravely, Beth